Sumi Garg, LMFT PMH-C

On any given work day, I see a burnt out parent that is simultaneously bending over backward to “be a good parent” and is so physical and emotionally exhausted that they do not recognize themselves. In their relationships with themselves and in their relationships with their kids. Mothers are spending 40% more time on childcare than their counter parts from the 1980s even though the numbers of women in the work place has dramatically increased. Fathers are spending 154% more time on child care taking on a much more active role than they have from previous generations⁴.

From my vantage point, I can see it so clearly. Trying so hard is actually making it worse. The data is pretty clear. 57% of parents report feeling burnt out² vs. about 25% of non parents¹. The impact of parent burnout has a significant negative effect on parent mental health. When parent’s mental health drops, there is a greater risk that their children’s mental health will also drop. This is such a tragedy because, in my clinical experience, the majority of the actions that lead to the burn out is motivated by the parents wanting to be good parents. No one triple feeds because they enjoy it.

Once the impact of parent burn out is in full effect, I’ll often hear things like “I’m not the parent I used to be,” “I honestly don’t even care anymore. It’s too much,” “I feel like a walking zombie just going through the motions.” Suicidal ideation can increase and in an exhausted state, parents can be vulnerable to blaming their kids personhood or personality instead of the burnout.

Last year, it was exciting to see so many headlines about the topic after Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued a health advisory about the pressure and stress parents are facing. Unfortunately, there has not been subsequent systemic change to help parents prevent burn out. Parents need affordable support, increased social opportunities to help with loneliness, and help managing the conflicting pressures of what society says it means to be a good parent and “successful” adult.

Parents can make changes to help themselves.

As a therapist, I encourage my parents to lean into being “selfish” with themselves or their partnerships and build community outside their immediate family unit. It is counter intuitive but is the most effective way to prevent serious burnout. To understand why, let us first define exactly what burnout is. Clinically, the definition of burnout is when an individual or group is under chronic stress without the ability to release the stress over time. More often that not, the way to release that stress is to step away from the task, the work of parenthood.

Right now, I am imaging the reader, rolling their eyes or maybe groaning thinking “if it was that easy, I would have done it already. I wish I could step away.” Trust me, I get that. When I hear this in sessions, sometimes it is about accepting and internalizing that the stress relief activity is just as important as the “productive” activity. Going to that yoga class is just as important as one on one play time with your 2 year old. It is not an either or but finding the right balance for you.

However, sometimes the push back is real. Maybe you are a single mom of three and can’t leave so easily. Community can help. 65% of parents and 77% of single parents report feeling lonely³. Study after study show that lack of community is significantly associated with anxiety, depression, and stress⁴. Building a community as a parent can mean coordinating activities with your children’s peers to be able to carpool. It can mean, 4pm dinners with other parents who get it. Maybe community for you is coordinating a weekly zoom call with your friends from college once a week where you lean into that version of you that rarely gets a chance to shine. If these examples all sound too much, start smaller.

As a burnt out parent, it can be hard to know where to start.

You might have lost the motivation or hope to take the actions you know you need to do to feel better. Finding a licensed therapist can help you process the pain that led to the burn out as well as a plan to help you come out of it. With my clients, we will chart out how we got here, practice releasing stress in session, and mindset shifts that can help them during the common but difficult moments outside of the therapy room.

Parenting does not have to be this hard. What parenting task can you let go of, or activity to release some stress will you start today?

1. American Psychological Association (2023). Stress in America. Stress in America 2023: A nation recovering from collective trauma
2. Gawlik, K., Melnyk, B. (2024). The Power of Positive Parenting: Evidence to Help Parents and Their Children Thrive. The Ohio State University. The Power of Positive Parenting: Evidence to Help Parents and Their Children Thrive
3. Beulcher, J. (2021). The Loneliness Epidemic Persists: A Post-Pandemic Look at the State of Loneliness among U.S. Adults. The Cigna Group. The Loneliness Epidemic Persists: A Post-Pandemic Look at the State of Loneliness among U.S. Adults | Cigna Newsroom
4. Park EY, Oliver TR, Peppard PE, Malecki KC. (2023). Sense of community and mental health: a cross-sectional analysis from a household survey in Wisconsin. Fam Med Community Health. 2023 Jun;11(2):e001971. doi: 10.1136/fmch-2022-001971.