Sumi Garg, MA LMFT PMH-C

Chances are, if you are in a long-term relationship, you have heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As a couples therapist, I have a love hate relationship with the 5 love languages. On one hand, they are a useful tool for couples to understand each other and initiate conversations about how to give and receive love. On the other hand, the 5 love language book is not evidenced based and is 100% based on the observations of Chapman.

Chapman is a Baptist pastor who met with couples in his church². His book argues that people give and receive love in 5 different ways: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Complete with an online quiz that will tell you your love language, the book has sold over 20 million copies worldwide and has been translated into over 50 different languages³.

If you swear by the love languages and they have helped your relationships, that is incredible! This piece is based on what I see the most in my practice, when the love languages are ineffective, misunderstood, and even weaponized.

Let us start with the evidence.

In the 33 years since the book was published, empirical evidence validating the love languages is limited¹. Of the few studies supporting the love languages, they generally conclude that the framework is incomplete. Studies identify factors like empathy, self-assurance, and positive interpretations of the love languages as important in order for the framework to lead to satisfaction in relationships¹.

Evidence disputing the love languages invalidate the three assumptions of the book: people have only one or two love languages, showing love is limited to the 5 love languages, and learning your partner’s love language will lead to marital satisfaction³. The reality is that most individuals give and receive love in many different ways including the love languages. For example, individuals who were found to have giving gifts as lowest on their love language test also reported that gift giving was important to giving and receiving love.

To give Chapman credit, evidence does suggest that mismatched love languages can put you at higher risk of marital dissatisfaction⁴. However, this finding needs to be put in perspective. One study showed that 73.5% of couples have mismatched love languages¹ and another study showed that there is no correlation between marital satisfaction and love languages⁵. In other words, aligning your love languages is not the most effective solution to save your relationship. The more effective solution is increasing the levels of commitment and to give more love in general to your marriage or partnership³.

Love Languages in Practice

As a young couples therapist, I rejected Chapman’s work and steered my clients towards concepts in more evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy or the Gottman Method. However, no matter how hard I tried, the love languages kept permeating my sessions. Through my clients, I have come to accept that the love languages are a cultural phenomenon that is here to stay. I can even admit that I myself have used the love languages to communicate my needs to my partner. These days, instead of rejecting the concept I have learned to weave them into therapy. I help couples build on what works from the love language framework and educate them on what they can leave behind. If you want to use the Love Language Framework- and I get it, who doesn’t love a good quiz – here are some tips to get the most out of the framework.

Top Tips on Using the Love Language Framework:

1. Do not discount a love language that is lower on your list.
   • Reflect together how both of you feel love using each one of the love languages.
   • Reflect together when you do not feel love when each of the love languages are given poorly.  
2. Identify other ways you feel love from you partner that is outside of the love language framework. For example: supporting each other’s independence or career.
3. Stop using the mismatch in love languages as evidence that the relationship cannot work. Remember the majority of relationships have mismatched love languages!
4. Stop rejecting acts of love from your partner if they are not in your preferred love language! It is ok to want more words of affirmation instead of acts of service like the comic above. It is a both-and, not an either-or! In fact, in my clinical experience, once a partner feels like they are accepted, they are more likely to “try.” “Trying” often means being vulnerable and trying something that feels difficult with a fear of rejection.

If you are struggling in your relationship, the love languages can be a tool not the answer. For more complete help, clinical intervention with evidenced based treatment is the most effective way to heal and strengthen your relationship. Do not wait until your partnership is hanging on a thread! Seek help today.

References

1. Allen, J., Arney, K. (2025). Testing Love Languages: Definitions, Frequency, Validity, and Satisfaction within Marriage. International Journal of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences, 6(1), 54-58. DOI: 10.56734/ijahss.v6n1a7.
2. Chapman, G. D. (1992). The five love languages. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
3. Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular psychology through a scientific lens: Evaluating love languages from a relationship science perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2), 87 92. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214231217663
4. Mostova, O., Stolarski, M., & Matthews, G. (2022). I love the way you love me: Responding to partner’s love language preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples. PLOS ONE, 17(6), e0269429. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269429
5. Mantova, K. S. (2023). Exploring the connection between love languages and relationship satisfaction. International Journal.